Heavy

 Heavy

I’m tired of carrying the weight of you…us

Holding onto nothing

No return on investment

And yet, the last tethers

Have hold on my heart

Unwilling to break

And I’m so tired

Of loving a ghost

Unsure of myself

The weight of guilt

And regret

Afraid of who I am

without you

It’s odd how the world can shatter

And still lay heavy on your shoulders

A press on the chest

Drowning 

I need a life jacket

Something buoyant 

To hold me up

I feel like a shadow

A means to an end

A purpose unfulfilled

Chewed and spit out

No resemblance to former self 

I wanted more

Of me

Of you

Of us

But I couldn’t hold us together 

And if I was the only one grasping

Was there anything there to begin with?

I needed to be a first choice

Not a consideration 

And yet, the voice I most want to hear is yours

How can I still want to be part of someone

Who discarded me?

How can I long for someone 

Who erased themself from our home

Who left so much of herself in the house?

Like she wants to remind me that she’s no longer here, but she’s there in everything g she left behind. 

Rachael Collins