Heavy

 Heavy

I’m tired of carrying the weight of you…us

Holding onto nothing

No return on investment

And yet, the last tethers

Have hold on my heart

Unwilling to break

And I’m so tired

Of loving a ghost

Unsure of myself

The weight of guilt

And regret

Afraid of who I am

without you

It’s odd how the world can shatter

And still lay heavy on your shoulders

A press on the chest

Drowning 

I need a life jacket

Something buoyant 

To hold me up

I feel like a shadow

A means to an end

A purpose unfulfilled

Chewed and spit out

No resemblance to former self 

I wanted more

Of me

Of you

Of us

But I couldn’t hold us together 

And if I was the only one grasping

Was there anything there to begin with?

I needed to be a first choice

Not a consideration 

And yet, the voice I most want to hear is yours

How can I still want to be part of someone

Who discarded me?

How can I long for someone 

Who erased themself from our home

Who left so much of herself in the house?

Like she wants to remind me that she’s no longer here, but she’s there in everything g she left behind. 

Rachael Collins

Untitled Poem

 You promised me tomorrow

Then left before the sun set

Refused my name

I took the blame

Shed your skin

Changed your colors

A chameleon trying to fit in

Afraid to be alone

Because then you’d have to 

Look in the mirror 

Stare down your own demons

Instead of hiding behind the cover

The layers of your life

That you pile one on top of the other

Until who you really are

Is buried too deep

Rachael Collins

Box of Lies

 Box of Lies

A picture coated box 

Sat between us

A symbol of hope

“We can fill it 

With our lives”

We pulled out a Rand McNally 

Closed our eyes and pointed

To places we wanted to see

Criss crossed lines 

Connecting you and me

A vision board for our future

Placed in the box

cards and love letters to follow

One move and the next

The box went with us

Heavier each time 

And one by one you filled it

With adorations of love

Crafted a world of

Promised dreams

A future we envisioned 

Now, the box sits empty

The words tossed to the wind

You, a match setting it aflame

And me,

I’m just the fool 

That fell for your

Box of lies

Rachael Collins

No Words

 

The poems I want to write

Are the hardest to get on paper

The words stay hidden

Behind the emotions binding them

Or maybe it’s the fear of never

Being able to truly capture

Our moments

Because words can never 

Do them justice

Rachael Collins

My Name

 

In the darkest of my days

I sought a release

To take me from

The pain I’d buried inside

That had surfaced

Spreading from limb to limb

Until I could no longer hide

From the torment 

That robbed me of everything

And kept me locked up

In a prison of my own making

In the darkest of the haze

I lost myself

Until you offered me a glimmer of hope

A glance my way

A smile upon your face

That lit the darkened corner

Of my hiding spot

A moment of recognition

Of seeing me

Laid bare

Vulnerable

And you didn’t run

Didn’t shy away

Later it was the 

Furtive touch 

Of your fingers

On my arm

The shadowy touch

That pulled me from self harm

You left me craving

Longing for more

The sound of your voice

Unlocked my doors

Until I stepped out

Into the world beyond

And fell

Into your arms

I never thought

My name important

Until I heard it

Escape from your lips

Rachael Collins

Loving

 

Loving the world means loving the wobbles

Because the real beauty is in the imperfections.

The notes sung slightly off key

With all the confidence of a five-year-old.

The slightly blurry photo of a moment of laughter

The slight limp in a person’s swagger

The hiccup of doubt that creeps to the surface,

The curviness of a body that has been well-loved

The crooked grin of affection

The beauty of the world is not in the silver lining of a cloud

But the whole massive storm that rains down and washes the earth.

It’s the freckled face of a person looking to hide her beauty

The cactus that has found life in the crook of a tree

The wrinkles on a face  that map a person’s story

The track of a tear down a cheek,

The last worldly embrace from my father.

It’s the beauty big and small 

Overwhelming and consistent

It’s trying to find that one redeeming quality

That gives hope to the hopeless.

It’s in learning to love every piece of me

With reckless abandon.

Rachael Collins

Love, Hate, and the Dash Between

 

One day I realized that I’d felt it all

All the emotions big and small

I thought I didn’t have anymore in me

To give to you what you might need

I’d been loved and I’d been burned

I’d been hated and I’d been spurned

I’d known great friends 

I’d had relationships reach their end

I’d given everything I had

I’d lived my days sad

I’d given my soul

I’d been broken and made whole

I’ve pushed and encouraged

Dreamed and been discouraged.

I’ve been surprised

And satisfied

I’ve raged and been furious

I’ve been downright mad and curious

I’ve been full of despair

I’ve lived like I had no cares

I’ve wanted and needed

I’ve been defeated

I’ve lived a good life it would seem

Because I’ve had love, hate, and the dash between

Rachael Collins