My father and mother raised two daughters. Without a son around the house to teach the stereotypical male duties, my father tried to teach both my sister and I. I was an avid learner and now as an adult I find myself attempting to all kinds of handyman type things around the house. Some endeavors are way more successful than others, but it is something I enjoy doing. When I examine my personality, I realize that is what I do. I try to fix things. Someone comes to me with a problem and I listen and then offer solutions. Someone brings me an object that is broken, I try to fix it. It is just what I do.
The hard part for me is when I cannot fix something. Failure is something that I do not take well. As a result I will work something until it is near perfection. This is part of the reason, I believe, that my daughter's illness has been so hard for me. I cannot fix it. I cannot take away the hurt and guilt that I feel or that my spouse feels. I cannot take the Lyme disease out of my child's body. That feeling of helplessness eats away at me. Sometimes I just want to scream. If my role is to fix things and now I cannot, what do I do now?
I know there are a great many things that are out of our control. I know the platitudes that God will not give us anything that we cannot handle and that it is not our place to question why. I know, I know. But it does not stop the hurt, anger, and feeling of being inadequate from settling into my gut every now and then. I have decided that I have to feel those emotions when they come to me. To stifle them is to deny everything. To feel them is to remember that I am simply an individual faced with a daunting journey. It reminds me that I am human.
Having a child with special needs has changed everything in our world and those emotions remind me of the rawness that comes with it. However, I have come to believe that as a family we have become stronger. Our world has grown smaller and yet so much larger at the same time. I am not even sure that makes sense to anyone but me. With the bad comes the good. There is nothing that will melt my heart faster than hearing my child tell me, "I love you." She has such an amazing spirit. She always has. It is often through her example that I am able to let go of the rage that sometimes boils inside of me. She laughs hard and just takes what comes her way with a smile on her face. Perhaps I can learn from her grace and embrace the spirit.
