No Words

 

The poems I want to write

Are the hardest to get on paper

The words stay hidden

Behind the emotions binding them

Or maybe it’s the fear of never

Being able to truly capture

Our moments

Because words can never 

Do them justice

Rachael Collins

My Name

 

In the darkest of my days

I sought a release

To take me from

The pain I’d buried inside

That had surfaced

Spreading from limb to limb

Until I could no longer hide

From the torment 

That robbed me of everything

And kept me locked up

In a prison of my own making

In the darkest of the haze

I lost myself

Until you offered me a glimmer of hope

A glance my way

A smile upon your face

That lit the darkened corner

Of my hiding spot

A moment of recognition

Of seeing me

Laid bare

Vulnerable

And you didn’t run

Didn’t shy away

Later it was the 

Furtive touch 

Of your fingers

On my arm

The shadowy touch

That pulled me from self harm

You left me craving

Longing for more

The sound of your voice

Unlocked my doors

Until I stepped out

Into the world beyond

And fell

Into your arms

I never thought

My name important

Until I heard it

Escape from your lips

Rachael Collins

Loving

 

Loving the world means loving the wobbles

Because the real beauty is in the imperfections.

The notes sung slightly off key

With all the confidence of a five-year-old.

The slightly blurry photo of a moment of laughter

The slight limp in a person’s swagger

The hiccup of doubt that creeps to the surface,

The curviness of a body that has been well-loved

The crooked grin of affection

The beauty of the world is not in the silver lining of a cloud

But the whole massive storm that rains down and washes the earth.

It’s the freckled face of a person looking to hide her beauty

The cactus that has found life in the crook of a tree

The wrinkles on a face  that map a person’s story

The track of a tear down a cheek,

The last worldly embrace from my father.

It’s the beauty big and small 

Overwhelming and consistent

It’s trying to find that one redeeming quality

That gives hope to the hopeless.

It’s in learning to love every piece of me

With reckless abandon.

Rachael Collins

Love, Hate, and the Dash Between

 

One day I realized that I’d felt it all

All the emotions big and small

I thought I didn’t have anymore in me

To give to you what you might need

I’d been loved and I’d been burned

I’d been hated and I’d been spurned

I’d known great friends 

I’d had relationships reach their end

I’d given everything I had

I’d lived my days sad

I’d given my soul

I’d been broken and made whole

I’ve pushed and encouraged

Dreamed and been discouraged.

I’ve been surprised

And satisfied

I’ve raged and been furious

I’ve been downright mad and curious

I’ve been full of despair

I’ve lived like I had no cares

I’ve wanted and needed

I’ve been defeated

I’ve lived a good life it would seem

Because I’ve had love, hate, and the dash between

Rachael Collins

Listen to My Words

 

Listen to my words, please hear what I am saying

Find the deeper meaning etched in my soul.

You may hear me utter, “I’m fine,” but in reality

I’m dying for you to see beyond the words of my plea

And to really hear me

Because there are more to the words I say

And I need you to listen, I mean really listen, beyond

The superficial words formed when I speak.

You may hear me say  go away. Leave me alone

But if you listen, really listen, you’ll hear my meaning --

Please stay. I am afraid. I don’t want to be alone.

Listen to my words, because

I don’t know how to say more than words I love you

But if you listen to my words, then you will hear what I really mean -- 

I need you. I adore you. You are the sum of parts. The being that makes me whole.

Too often, words are used as a weapon to cut each other down

The emotional turmoil, our blood, that seeps into the ground.

But know, that even if I may speak softly, but my words carry a weight

That can only be heard, if you really listen to my words.

But if you are too busy talking, you won’t hear what I’m really trying to say,

So listen to my words, hear what I’m saying, 

Look beyond the words and really hear me.

Rachael Collins

Keep Going

 

To keep trudging on is so much easier said than done

Especially when the day feels over and never won

But it’s the plight of every living soul

To keep going even when we don’t feel whole

For if we gave up when we lost the slightest hope 

Or failed to hang on when at the end of our rope,

We wouldn’t have found the strength within

That undeniable force that keeps us from giving in.

So we long for the open road

And let others help carry your load

We navigate this thing we call life

And hold onto those that see us through strife

And when our paths may split apart

We hold tightly to those that matter in our heart

We learn that even if we go our separate ways

We learn lessons to carry us through our days

We find that there are impossible choices to make

And sometimes the wrong path we take

But life never fails to continues moving on

Hold tight and learn to be strong.

Rachael Collins

Judge Me Gently

 

If today my eyes seem more tired than normal

Or my feet drag along the ground as I stumble

Please, judge me gently.

If today my temper is more easily flared

Or my tears are quicker to flow, 

Please, judge me gently. 

There’s more to my story than I ever reveal.

And I find myself in the middle of a balancing act

Where one step brings this carefully crafted 

House of cards crashing to the ground.

So, please, judge me gently.

Sometimes the pressures that weigh me down

Are more than I can bear

When what I desire most is just one moment’s rest,

Or maybe one less cross to bear

But, alas, there are too many people counting on me

For that to ever truly be a part of my reality.

Please, judge me gently.

I’m not trying to complain or say I wouldn’t do things the same,

I don’t want out of this life or a change of scenery.

I’m right where I’m supposed to be,

So please, judge me gently.

I wouldn’t trade the early mornings, or the night time pill schedules

I wouldn’t walk away from my career, or my family that depends on me

I don’t want anyone different in my life or even for it to come easily,

Just know that I’m trying to be the best I can

So please, judge me gently.

Rachael Collins

It's Okay to Be Held

 

I’ve spent years pretending to be tougher than I am

Fortified walls surround me never letting anybody in

Until even I can’t recognize the mess I’m in

I’ve held my true self so deathly near

Afraid of getting close year after year

Ruled by emotions and too much by fear

What if I get too close and lose

It’s easier to drown myself in booze

Then to try and keep up the ruse.

I feel like an island standing alone

While others find their place called home

An empty contact list is all that fills my phone

Too many nights I scream and yell

Needing to hear “it’s okay to be held”

Instead I feel like an empty shell.

I simply want to belong amid this plunder

I need to hear your voice like thunder

Helping me put it all asunder.

Rachael Collins

It Couldn't Be Done

 

Humankind rests on the shoulders of “it couldn’t be done”

And yet, we’ve proved that thought wrong with every turn around the sun

Early on our ancestors learned to make fire and created the wheel

Improved their lives, learned to make weapons and forge steel.

Slaves wanted to be free, but they were property

They never had the opportunity

Until the Emancipation Proclamation and the Civil War, 

They were slaves no longer, but there was more conflict in store.

The fight wasn’t over, in fact it was far from done,

Men like Malcolm X and MLK fought for everyone

With peaceful protests, sit ins, and chants of “We shall overcome”

Segregation gave way to equality, all because “it couldn’t be done.”

Women were expected to stay at home to be a baby making machine

Serve their husbands, make sure to keep everything clean,

But, then they fought for a right to vote and their equality,

Women can be anything they want...even president...well, maybe not yet, but it will be.

It couldn’t be done, you see that ocean, it’s too big to cross

Don’t worry, I got this, I’m a boss.

It couldn’t be done, you see that mountain, it’s too high to climb

Why must we continue to doubt, we conquer every time.

We’ve landed a man on the moon, won the race

It couldn’t be done, we spent an entire year in space

We sent a rocket to Pluto and landed a rover on Mars

Someone said “it couldn’t be done,” so we reached for the stars.

We’ve created technology to easily connect point A and B

We can drive and ride and fly over the sea

We can research from anywhere about anything 

Because someone had the foresight to create that technology

So, the moral of my story, the point, the lesson to all of this

Remember that from now until the apocalypse

When someone tells you “it couldn’t be done” all along

Thousands of years of history prove that all wrong.

Rachael Collins

Intoxication

 

Even from far away you could see it.

The way they looked at each other,

The subtle glances, 

The curve of the smile on their cheeks,

The occasional touches

They way one would reach up 

And brush the hair out of the other’s face

They way they noticed no one around them

Holding one another in a spotlight

They neither knew nor cared what was going on

And for a moment I was envious

And longed for someone who melted the world away

The way they melted into each other

I envied their oblivion; their other worldliness

Their need for each other

All while I stood here alone watching

A lonely soul in a sea of people

With no human connections.

Rachael Collins

I'm More Than...

 

I’m more than all of this that you can see here

I’m definitely more than all the things I hold dear

I’m more than my name, although I carry it with pride

It’s one of the few things I carry with me since my dad died

I’m more than all this heft I have with me every day

I’m even more than all the thoughts and words I want to say

I’m more than the tears that often well up and roll down my cheek

I’m more than all the dreams and goals for which I seek

While all these are part of what makes me, me

I’m more than all of what you can see.

I’m goodness and kindness and laughter and love

And the gift that you refuse to open from above

I’m also sadness and anger and rage

Sometimes the animal pacing in her cage

I’m all my hopes and dreams and desires

I’m cold with fear and yet burn with fire

I’m all the stories I hold deep inside of me

I’m everyone that has ever been part of my journey

I’m light and beauty and sometimes insane

I’m all things great and small and mundane

I’m definitely more than some cute little hottie

Because not everyone can handle the curves of this body.

I’m beautiful and smart and funny and strong

I’m more than the weight of exhaustion when the day has been long.

I’m more than I could ever write down in this poem

I’m the desert, the mountains, the city, the place to call home.

Rachael Collins